The Deadend of Besiegers (1992)

AKA: Dead End of Besiegers

Director: Zhang Siu Wai

Writer: Lin Xiang Pei, Ba Tong

Producer: Chen Xin Hua

Cast: Yang Li Qing (a.k.a. Cynthia Khan), Yu Rong Guang, Yu Hai, Ji Chun Hua, Xu Jie, Jin De Mao, Ga Chun Yan, Chang Rong, Li Zhi Zhou, Wang Hua, Dale Cook, Zhang Jian Wen

Running Time: 84 min.

Plot: A Japanese warrior unwittingly travels to China with a gang of pirates, and must win the trust of the Chinese when his shipmates launch a violent raid.

Availability: This title is available at HKflix.com

NUMSKULL'S REVIEW: This awkwardly titled martial arts film really keeps viewer expectations low for the first hour or so before pulling out the stops for its big long final battle; this is a good thing only in the short term. The first two-thirds are so silly and sluggish that The Great Big Fight is not so much a grand finale as a grand FINALLY.

Yu Rong Guang plays Wuwechimato, a warrior fleeing Japan in disgrace (more on this in a moment) and heading to China to brush up on his ass-kicking skills. Alas, the men who man the ship he sails upon are evil nasty greedy pirates who seek a priceless pearl from a seaside village. Upon landing, they snatch a group of children and demand a large ransom from the villagers for their return. Among their number is a plucky girl named Mao Tou who is saved from certain death at the hands of a mean old poo-poo head pirate by Wuwechimato. After the pirates' initial assault is foiled by the brave Chinese defenders, Wuwechimato, who is in no position to return to his shipmates, must find refuge. The villagers have now holed up in a walled city and will attack the Japanese Wuwechimato on sight. What's an exiled warrior to do? Along comes Mao Tou, who repays his kindness by providing him with food and shelter. She also teaches him some important phrases in her own language, including "I am a son of a bitch", and advises him to feign stark raving madness to avoid retribution upon entering the city.

Eventually, the movie decides that there should be a point in here somewhere and has Wuwechimato seek Dog Fist lessons from Cui Gu (Cynthia Khan). Cui Gu is Mao Tou's older sister, and they're both adopted; Dad is saving himself for the woman of his dreams, who was widowed (accidentally, and by none other than poor old Wuwechimato) in the pirate raid. This is why Wuwechimato came to China in the first place; he was beaten in single combat by some foreigner (Dale Cook) and wants to redeem, rather than kill, himself, on the advice of a Buddhist monk. Dale Cook's character has got to be the most unintentionally hilarious depiction of a Westerner I've ever seen in an Asian film. Despite the fact that he defeats the very capable Wuwechimato in the flashback (the only part of the film in which he appears), he makes the Latino street gang in Jet Li's "The Master" look utterly badass. "I'm the best fighter in the world!" he says, in a bit of English dubbing guaranteed to induce severe giggling. "All fighters bow in front of me!" Of course they do...everyone bows to each other in those Renaissance faires where the men wear boots that have puffy little ball things on them. He wants Wuwechimato to crawl between his legs to acknowledge his superiority. The Japanese fighter refuses, fights, and loses, but still doesn't undergo the indignity of crawling. So, when the nubile Cui Gu hears this story, she spreads her own pair of gams and says: "So you'd rather die than crawl through [a] foreigner's legs. What if I want you to crawl through my legs?" Apparently, this is supposed to be unpleasant or something. No, I don't get it, either.

There's some more comic relief and cheap-ass melodrama involving the woman Mao Tou's Dad loves and her son Tian Peng (who is intent on marrying Cui Gu) and then at long fucking last we get a big huge fight with the pirates involving lots of characters. This is good, solid fighting; the kind that's done on the ground rather than hanging from wires. It climaxes in a burning building where Wuwechimato must fight for his own life and that of Mao Tou, accompanied by ridiculously calm music that really detracts from the experience. That's bad, but what's even worse is that we don't get to see Wuwechimato use his new kung fu knowledge to decimate the Pansy Ass White Guy back in Japan, or wherever the hell he went after their first meeting. What a kick in the pantaloons.

All in all, I was underwhelmed. It's remarkable that for the uninvolving majority of the film, Mao Tou's scenes were the ones I enjoyed (for lack of a better term) the most; this is coming from a guy who can't friggin' stand kids, in the movies or in real life. Maybe it's because they made her a reasonable age (about 11 or 12, I'd say) instead of a screeching, snot-nosed suckling. She can't elevate the movie to recommendation-worthy status, however, and although you could certainly make a worse choice, my advice is to pass this one by.

NUMSKULL'S RATING: 6/10