Filthy Guy (1981)

AKA: Return of the Secret Rivals, Emperor Of The Filthy Guy

Director: Kam Yong

Producer: Shio Shai-Ling

Writer: Lin Huan-Kun, Shio Shai-Jen

Cast: Sammo Hung, Carter Wong, Yuei Hwa, Shih Tien

Running Time: 87 min.

Plot: See review below.

Availability: This title is available at HKflix.com

NUMSKULL'S REVIEW: Check it out. I wrote a little song:

Filthy Guy, Filthy Guy
It really sucks, I'll tell you why
Stupid script, lousy plot
Both screenwriters should be shot
Sammo Hung has dirty hair
Such lame gimmicks are quite rare
Mens' apparel worn by chicks
Folks assume that they have dicks
Boring fights, bad kung fu
Shitty film, smells like poo
Filthy Guy, Filthy Guy
Yeah, yeah baby
Filthy Guy

Needless to say, I'm clearing some space for my Grammy. Soon, I will join the likes of Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Nine Inch Nails, and Green Day as a recipient of that prestigious award.

Hey, wait a minute. Those people all suck. Maybe I don't want a Grammy after all. I've already got all the doorstops, bookends, and paperweights I need, so what would I do with it? Bludgeon Brett Rattner to death?

...

...

...

Okay, that goes on my "to-do" list. Anyway. About this film. Filthy Guy. It's terrible. Straight from Sammo Hung's "Wish I Could Forget It" file comes this piece of limp-wristed kung foolery about the misadventures of "Dirty Head" Su Yen Chang, a lowly servant who learns kung fu by watching and imitating his boss, who then tries to kill him over a burial plot dispute.

To escape a premature death, he seeks refuge in a temple, telling an elder monk "I'm tired of the world", but that doesn't work out; the bad guy's henchmen come along and kill the tough old abbot ("I'm fine", he says, with a knife sticking out of his forehead).

Dirty Head then decides to join the ranks of Marshall Koo, who is leading a rebellion against the government. In so doing, he picks up three companions: Kwai, a very annoying young man who never shuts the fuck up, and two women pretending to be men: Little Bee and Little Swallow. I'll bet you my liver that you've never seen less masculine-looking "men" than these two. This takes the whole women-posing-as-men thing from these old kung fu movies to a new low. It creates problems for the continuity cops, too; the first time Dirty Head meets Little Swallow, he addresses her as "miss", then goes on acting like they're men. If it's so difficult to tell a man from a woman even in THESE circumstances, then how the fuck did China ever become the world's most populated country?

Anyway...Dirty Head eventually lives the American dream by beating up his old boss, after which he and his friends run away from the remaining henchmen. When all hope seems lost, Dirty Head uses his ability to emit the perfect "moo" and brings a herd of cattle stampeding to the rescue. With any luck, the animals got out of control and trampled the director to death after the cameras stopped rolling, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

NUMSKULL'S RATING: 2/10