LSD Beauties (1999)

Director: Chan Siu Hung, Ho Kam Chan

Producer: Titus Ho

Writer: Ting Ting

Cast: Au Yeung Yiu Lun, Chow Yan Yan, Tin Bo, Chang Yin, Lau Man Chun, Leung Gam San

Running Time: ?

Plot: See Gwailo's review below.

GWAILO'S REVIEW: Shot on video poo, stars Jacky Wong as a private dick whose business is foundering. His secretary's auntie asks her to look after her troubled young cousin Cat. She's heading down the wrong path in life, hanging with triad punks and wearing 'heavy make-up'. Jacky is reluctant to take the case but his secy persuades him by throwing a shit fit. He finally agrees once he sees a pic of the young hottie. "But she's only 18....who cares?", Jacky Chimes. Pervert! Cat is a troubled youth with a burgeoning drug problem and a pimp/gang leader boyfriend named Ben. Ben and Cat's budding 'romance' spawns a god-awful 15 minute sex scene involving ugly ass Ben slobbering all over poor Cat's boobs and a disgusting nod to 9 1/2 Weeks including whipped cream, bananas, and eggs (?!) - that test's your gag reflex. YUCKY!! This genius P.I. and secy go to great lengths to keep Cat on the straight and narrow which include loitering around her high school to make sure she doesn't cut. These two are brilliant! The shit begins to hit the fan when the dangerous Ben pushes Cat into porn-which more resembles rape than 'art'. This scene, while very cheesy, is rather disturbing but also illicits the funniest line in the film. While one of his punk small potatoes films the struggling Cat, Benny plays director and yells out, "Lick her bum!....that's right! Lick her bum!" (you do not actually hear him say this. The music drowns the dialogue out but the subs stay intact).

Ben now uses the tape to blackmail Cat's family for a whopping U.S. $1 mil. If he doesn't get the moolah, he will post Cat's nudie debut on the net. Oh, did I mention that this is a comedy! Jacky Wong is....dare I say....a poor man's Stephen Chow. I mean skid row poor man. He mugs for the camera whenever he can and plays the horny P.I. to a tee and is sometimes quite funny, though the film is not. LSDB more resembles a Japanese AV flick than a social comment on youth gone wild, with enough crotch rubbing to fill 5 Cat III films. The entire production is dirt cheap-writing, directing, acting, camerawork, leaves mucho to be desired and looks like a term project from a high school audio/video class. The film, obviously, lacks any type of funds to enhance the production, even in the wardrobe dept.. The actors wear the same friggin' clothes all the time. The title also sucks because the film lacks L.S.D. and beauties. Directors Chon Siu-hung and Ho Kam-cha (it took 2 directors to make this?) try admirably to put across a decent time waster but nobody really needs to see shot on vid crap...nobody! Low budget producer Titus Ho, who has graced many a vcd with classic like Royal Sperm, The Soft Rod, and Viagra Madness, should find a new line of work or shell out some more $ for his productions. Cheap bastard!!

GWAILO'S RATING: 2/10