Martial Angels (2001)

Literally: Most Sexy Mystical Thieves

Director: Clarence Fok Yiu-leung

Producer: Wong Jing

Cast: Julian Cheung Chi Lam, Shu Qi, Kelly Lam Hei-Lui, Teresa Mak Ga Kei , Sophie Ngan Wing Sze, Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu, Terence Yin Chi-Wai , Rosemary Vanderbroucke, Amanda Strang, Wong Jing

Action Director: Adam Chan Chung-Tai

Writer: Sharon Hui Qui Long

Running Time: 87 min.

Plot: See Ben Poppel's review below.

ALEXANDER'S REVIEW: I've only now realized, having just watched "Martial Angels", that pretty much anything--be it song, television show, or film--with the word 'angel' in its title will undoubtedly suck (unless Aerosmith is involved, then it rocks). "Angels in the Outfield". "Touched by an Angel". "Raped by an Angel". "City of Angels". "Charlie's Angels". The "Buffy" spin-off. That song by Shaggy. They suck. All of 'em. But the worst of the similarly monikered bunch is definitely "Martial Angels", a film so bad not even seven of Hong Kong's hottest females could save it from being relegated to Alexander's Worst Films of All Time list (which currently includes "Sexy and Dangerous", "Girls in the Hood" and anything starring David Arquette).

10 Things I Hate About "Martial Angels":

1. Julian Cheung ("Beast Cops") is the wimpiest leading man in history. It defies logic that seven of the finest super-agents around would risk their, er, limbs springing this fleshy-faced bad boy from the clutches of an AK47 wielding Russian mobster and his gang.

2. Unintentional Comedy Alert #1: Julian struggling to dive to the bottom of a shallow swimming pool. It was like his brain was saying "kick, Julian, kick!" while his body was saying "float, Julian, float!"

3. The visual effects in this film are embarrassingly low budget. All the "high tech" devices and computer screen shots look like they were created on a Commodore 64.

4. The running time of this film is 90 minutes, but if all the slow motion scenes were filmed at regular speed, I swear this movie would have been about 10 minutes long. There's less slow motion on Monday Night Football.

5. REALLY bad wire-fu and some out of place over-cranking.

6. Sandra Ng went from her much lauded performance in "Portland Street Blues" to THIS?! There's a cute reference to her role in "PSB", but her presence is akin to seeing Tom Hanks in, say, "Universal Soldier 5".

7. Unintentional Comedy Alert #2: There is a REALLY bad scene lifted from "M:I-2" involving a disguise. After a hulking Russian mobster gets shot, Shu Qi lifts a flesh-colored chunk of rubber that's supposed to be a mask/disguise but instead looks like a flesh-colored chunk of rubber to reveal an overweight Indian about a foot shorter and 50 pounds heavier than the lean thug.

8. Terence Yin, one of the best things about "X-Mas Rave Fever", is utterly wasted here. Guess he took this role so he wouldn't be type-cast as a rave-loving, hulking transvestite.

9. Shu Qi, Kelly Lin ("Tokyo Raiders"), Rosemary Vanderbrouche and Teresa Mak don't get nekkid.

10. Shu Qi, Kelly Lin ("Tokyo Raiders"), Rosemary Vanderbrouche and Teresa Mak don't get...oh, wait, I already said that.

Anyway, "Martial Angels" sucks. If you're obsessive about hot Asian babes, then this film might be for you, but if you happen to like your films with mildly coherent stories, passable action scenes, mediocre acting, and somewhat believable special effects, skip this piece of shit and rent a Michael Wong movie instead. You'll thank me later.

ALEXANDER'S RATING: 3/10

OFFICER NG'S REVIEW: The best part of this whole sorry movie is the two-minute credit sequence that comes about 10 minutes in.  It's almost like those James Bond title scenes (you know, where you see silhouettes of girls flying all around and maybe you can see nipples on one of the girls for like two seconds) with the babes rising up out of the swimming pool, one at a time, into extreme close-up, all wet and hair slicked back - no nipples, but still pretty good, and they look right into the camera as if to say, "Yo, big boy, sit right back and have a good time," and so you get suckered in and watch the thing in increasing disbelief and boredom and then at the end of the movie you end up angry and unsatisfied ? just like dates I've been on with some less-than-beautiful women. So I watched that credit sequence again about 10 times.

OFFICER NG'S RATING: 1/10

BEN POPPEL'S REVIEW: Where was the fun in this movie besides the presence of a bunch of gorgeous babes (besides Sandra Ng ) prancing around most of the movie? There was no real entertainment and the action was terrible. The production values were awful, the story was ludicrous and the acting was out of this world (I mean that in a bad way). Did I mention there were hot babes in this movie? Hh yeah - I did, but it is worth mentioning again. If only Christy Chung was in the movie it would be an all out babe-fest. But in almost every other category this movie was a true disappointment. The look of the movie reminded me of a low budget 80's HK action movie and the fight scenes were either sped up too much or were in choppy slow mo' to be realistic. To put it bluntly there just wasn't much action, some at the beginning and some at the end. In a way, I was kind of glad when this movie was over.
 

BEN POPPEL'S RATING: 6/10 (a point or two added for the cast)