"It's silly, feebly directed, incompetently scripted, amateurishly acted and sheer genius."
- American Ninja Man
Director: Godfrey Ho Jeung-Keung
Producer: Jeremy Cheung, Tai Yim
Cast: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, Donna Jason, John Miller
Time: 95 min.
Plot: Cynthia Rothrock stars as Kristi Jones, a hardened streetfighter whose sister has fallen victim to a serial killer called Stingray. Now she will stop at nothing to get revenge.
Availability: This title is available at HKflix.com
AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S REVIEW: I’m 100% serious when I say that this was the movie I was born to watch. Seeing something just so ridiculously awesome is akin to witnessing an athlete hit his peak in a performance so invincible, unstoppable and is in fact poetry. In my case it was watching Barry Sanders, for others it's Michael Jordan, Joe Montana or Tom Brady. I say this, however - when it comes to hilarious bad movies, this is the Joe Montana of grade zilch martial arts crap. It's not the best, it's the chosen one.
What I am most ashamed of, was that by some sheer sorcery or perhaps conspiracy, I hadn't ever seen such, and I'll have you know how unlikely such an act is. I mean I watched Bloodfist 1-8, and as I look back, it would appear I singlehandedly provided Robert Clouse with his career, as I am the only one I know of that continued to rent his work even after Gymkata came out. So how this classic escaped my notice is an outrage. I still lean toward the radical feminist conspiracy, because I find it a tad suspicious that this movie was so hard to find in rental stores. In fact, I was talking to someone who used to work at a local ma and pa video rental store, and I guess they had this fucker in the backroom; I asked why, he said his employers made him. The radical feminist conspiracy to me, is based that women like Hilary Clinton and freaks of nature like Andrew Dworkin wanted to keep us from witnessing a plot revolving around incest, marital rape, mulleted bad guys ripping out women's eyeballs and so on. Now some say, plenty of movies have that material, but this is the only one in my memory that somehow bucks the odds and makes such material hilarious. I always assumed that rape isn't funny, but on the basis of this movie, marital rape could very well be the funniest thing on earth, especially when the rapist pictures black guys, while plugging his wife in the keister.
But wait there's more! We get a heartbreaking letter from this deranged man's wife - she writes rhetorical questions such as "What happened to us?" and "You're touch has turned to pain, I am not your mother!" Flash foward to this deranged man's childhood flashback where his mother is forced to choose between her son and a boyfriend. In usual cases, I'd be against choosing another man over your child, and all appalled at such selfish behavior on the boyfriend's part, but in this case, I can't help but understand it; I mean, who really wants to stick around a stepchild that wants to share pussy with you? I mean this isn't Kentucky. It's just not right.
Anyway, this guy gets all pissed off, and decides to get even with all women that bare a resemblence to his wife. He also calls himself Sting Ray. Oh, and how does he conduct his holy quest for vengeance? He basically walks up to red headed women with flowered dresses, kills their boyfriends and proceeds to rape and rip their eyeballs out. Why of course, Sting Ray resorts to this, as opposed to what a Lifetime Channel Husband would do (Merely, seek out her friends and family until he finds her) is anyone's guess. He also keeps the eyeballs of his victims in a fishtank. The biggest thing I wondered was how you could keep eyeballs at the bottom of the tank, wouldn't they float up?
Enter street fighter Cynthia Rothrock, who street fights to put her sister through college. Rothrock apparently fights guys with football pads on; As you can guess, Sting Ray kills Rothrock's sister and Rothrock goes on a rampage chasing the wrong guy before joining forces with a kung fu cop to stop Sting Ray.
From the opening seconds, one just knows that this will be the new standard that crap is judged by. Mainly a painfully earnest yet ludicrious opening as a female shrink tells Sting Ray's wife how she has to protect herself, and meanwhile we hear orchestra music mixed with cheesy keyboards and even cheesier credits which give us a glimpse of a movie that is aggressively stupid and ghastly in its incompetence. We see Sting Ray fighting a black guy, and then the camera lingers on the black guy sticking out his tongue as his mouth guard falls out. Undefeatable's mise en scene is the first to ever balance hokey psychology with even more hokey fight sequences, which ultimately renders this as one of the hokiest movies ever made.
All of this ineptiude is only compounded by having Don Niam sport a power curled mullet, as well as having him deliver ridiculous taunts and even weirder intimidation poses. Whether he licks his knife, spray paints red lines in his mullet, give us a close up of his arm pit hair and plucks the eyeballs out of of Asian kung fu masters trying to score pussy, you can bet that Niam wild eyed antics provide the template for other bad actors to follow. Indeed, it's hard to say who's funnier, Niam or the guy from Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2.
It's silly, feebly directed, incompetently scripted, amateurishly acted and sheer genius. In other words, this movie is a must see. Thankfully the conspiracy to keep me from seeing it has failed, even though I had to wait two weeks after it's release date to see it, and go through the internet as FYE for mysterous reasons couldn't get a copy that I had put on reserve a month before it's DVD release date. All I can say, I fought hard to get my copy of this movie, and it was well worth it. You so need to see this, keep your eyes peeled because a movie like this doesn't come along like this everyday. After all seeing is believing, and this movie is must be seen to be believed. If anything else, it's worth it for the one liners after the big fight.
AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S RATING: 1/10