Wesley's Mysterious File (2002)

Director: Andrew Lau Wai-Keung

Writer: Wong Jing, Thirteen Chan Sap Sam (Chan 13)

Producer: Wong Jing

Cast: Andy Lau Tak-Wah, Rosamund Kwan Chi-Lam, Shu Qi (Hsu Chi, Shu Kei), Thomas Hudak, Roy Cheung Yiu-Yeung, Almen Wong Pui-Ha, Mark Cheng Ho-Nam, Samuel Pang King-Chi, Patrick Lung Kong, Wong Jing, Vincent Zhao (Wen Zhuo)

Running Time: 87 min.

Plot: See reviews below.

Availability: This title is available at HKflix.com

ALEXANDER'S REVIEW: I should have heeded Ben Poppel's advice and avoided this turd as if it were, well, a turd. It's easily one of the worst Hong Kong films I've ever seen. How bad is it? Let's see...

• An actual line of dialogue from the film: "Tried to find the lost Blue-blood bible of the Fairy Planet."
• There is a violent alien species called -- and I'm not making this up -- the Warlock Toxin Gang.
• Mark Cheng, playing a government agent in the secretive alien-hunting Double X unit, gave a far better performance as an Underroo-clad, serial sex offender in Raped by an Angel.
• The explosions look as if they were crafted by the special effects team behind '70s era sci-fi shows Battlestar Galactica and Space: 1999.
• Almen Wong (Her Name is Cat), once a rising star in the Hong Kong film industry, is relegated to a near-dialogue-less supporting role as "Rape", a Terminator-like alien assassin hell-bent on stealing the aforementioned Blue-blood Bible.
• 85% of Shu Qi's lines are dubbed in English. And she has a lot of lines.
• The music sounds as if it were culled from a few episodes of Starsky and Hutch.
• Andy Lau wears a black leather suit. No one looks cool in a black leather suit.
• The wire-fu looks as if it were choreographed by the film's gaffer. When characters in the film are punched in the head by super-strong aliens, they slooooooowwwwwwly fly backwards a good twenty feet. Had I looked close enough, I might have been able to see the actual wires (and the guy on the other end pulling them).
• There is a totally lame love scene between Lau's Wesley and the alien Fong (Rosamund Kwon). Seeing Lau "passionately" smash his face against Kwon's is bad enough, but when the two engage in some alien sex and Lau is forced to pretend he's having an orgasm I was ready to firmly plant my thumb on the remote's fast forward button. Blech.
• Shu Qi doesn't get nekkid. (Damnit.)

Anyway, heed mine and Ben's advice and stay very far away from Wesley's Mysterious Files. It's one of the least suspenseful, least imaginative, poorly acted, inanely scripted and unfunny films I've ever seen.

That's twice you've been warned.

ALEXANDER'S RATING: 3/10

BEN POPPEL'S REVIEW: It seems like Andrew Lau's films are getting worse and worse. There is definitely no exception for The Wesley's Mysterious File. While this movie starts off with a pretty good mix of action and humor, once I saw American actors sitting in a room full of a million computers speaking bad dubbed dialog, I knew this movie was going to be a stinker. This picture does have it's moments to shine; a few decent special effects, mostly from the aliens, and I have to give credit to Andy Lau, for trying his best to act in a lame ass movie. But when this movie falls it falls hard, for example, this has to include the lamest sex scene I have ever witnessed in a film before. And the dubbing of the Asian actors English is atrocious. The sad part is it looks like they are really talking in English. I would have loved to see how interesting Shu Qi voice would of naturally sounded in English.

It also seems like the climax in this movie came too early. I felt like this film should of ended 30 minutes sooner than it did. And to add to that the real ending was totally stupid. Overall this film had a few bright spots, mostly at the beginning and a few good moments by Mr. Lau, but I can't really recommend this picture unless you extremely love science fiction movies and could give a rats ass about a lame story, effects and acting.

Good Luck...

BEN POPPEL'S RATING: 5.5/10