American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

Director: Sam Firstenberg

Producer: Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan

Writer: Gideon Amir, Avi Kleinberge

Cast: Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, John Fujioka, Judie Aronson

Running Time: 95 min.

Plot: On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong saves an old friend from the clutches of "The Lion", an evil super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors.

AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S REVIEW: American Ninja 2: The Confrontation isn't just a fucking movie, it is truth in advertisement to the letter. Not only does it feature an American ninja but it also has a confrontation. So right there we must give credit where credit is due, because damn it, some movies don't even get this right so at least the movie candidly delivers what it said it would. Richard Harrington mocked the title claiming such viscous things as "Have you seen a ninja movie without a confrontation?" But DAMN IT, this is no call for criticism-- it's for PRAISE. And strangely enough, that's the only negative thing he says about American Ninja 2, but can you blame him? I sure wouldn't want to piss off the American Ninja, especially after seeing his invincible standards here.

However what makes this attempt at duplicating the success of Bruce Li is that Dudikoff pulls off a performance of such martial arts skill, that he clearly is my first choice to the heir apparent of the mighty Bruce Li. After all, like Bruce Li, Dudikoff basically flattens any schmuck in black suits who call themselves "ninjas" without even once changing his expression of worried disdain. Also, like Bruce Li movies, these filsm are indefensible because you can't fault a movie that exists solely to show some random adidas model and his black sidekick kick the crap out of anything that moves.

What I also love about American Ninja 2 is that it's fight sequences are all timely. And by timely I mean that these fight sequences--like those in a Bruce Li movie--are just entertaining and not anything else beyond that. Listen, I'm the film's biggest fan and I admit with wholehearted truth that these martial arts sequences are certainly enjoyable and even sometimes exciting, For the '80s though, it's about as good as it gets (and it certainly beats Chuck Norris. But then, isn't that true of anything?) So, despite the fact that some morons will say that these action sequences are lame, this is only representative of someone who thinks the CGI work of Charlie's Angels is cutting edge. So I say fuck anyone who would rather watch Charlie's Angels or—even worse--XXX over this, because you're most likely sexually frustrated to the point that the only thing you enjoy, is seeing a bald-headed, fur coat-wearingqueer snowboard down a mountain or three empty headed chicks who pay more attention to their own breasts than actually kicking ass, while a TRUE man's man, an emotion-less Michael Dudikoff, doing the types of moves that really do work in real life. That's right: No fucking CGI here! However, if you're used to HK work you'll love this because it's truly as close as the U.S has gotten to giving us an American version of Bruce Li.

Anywho, the confrontation starts when Dudikoff and James go to "paradise" to solve the mysterious disappearance of some marines. (One of the greatest things about the movie: All of the marines wear Hawaiian shirts. I'm guessing the production couldn't afford the uniforms.)

So the marines (in Hawaiin shirts!) send for the American Ninja and Steve James and brief them on the disappearance of marines from various hidey holes. The exchange goes something like this: "What is this? Ninjas? Drug pushers? My men being kidnapped and murdered…this is really starting to get on my tits!" And this gem: "This is the most ridiculous story I've heard in my life. Are you telling me my men were abducted by ninjas?!" To which a not-even-phased Dudikoff responds, "Yes, sir!"

Also, the commanding officer isn't too bright. He actually says at one point, "Ninja? What the hell are ninja?" Have you ever met anyone in your life who doesn't know what a ninja is?

(Check out badmovies.org for the sound clips that--believe it or not, without me reading about it first--actually contain all of the soundbytes of what I mentioned!)

That Michael Dudikoff sure was one hell of a ninja. I think it stands to reason that this is the last man standing between world domination and democracy. Iraq would be another Cold War if the American Ninja were young enough, because he's the main reason the Russians never went Red Dawn on us. And when you watch Dudikoff in action, it's not hard to see why. Dudikoff slices and dices his opponents so fast that blood doesn't even splatter! And that fight against his super ninja counterpart? Well, let's just say that through the art of hanging upside down on whatever the hell it is, he's able to somehow use mind control to have his attacker waste his shotgun shells and even have said shooter shoot another enemy ninja in the process. Not bad for a guy who was once an addias model.

Oh, and you know those Chuck Norris "facts"? Norris needs to use a roundhouse while the American Ninja doesn't even need to connect with his opponents to make them die. So fuck the Chuck Norris "facts"--it's really Michael Dudikoff who can do such things. I mean, he can beat up ninjas and still drive his car. I can't even drive a car while I'm getting head, so my admiration goes out to Dudikoff.

I was also equally amazed at the turn of events that found Steve James fighting in what have to be the shortest shorts ever. Him and Dudikoff are kicking the crap out of ninjas on an island ledge, to which both Dudikoff and James jump from about 300 feet and land in a moving speedboat…while it's still moving! Without even hurting themselves! Once again this is what inspired Road House's character to say "Pain don't hurt" because he damn well knew he had no right to complain, especially since just two years earlier an American ninja and his partner did something that would've no doubt killed a normal person Patrick Swayze looked up to the said example and therefore he took his staple like a man. Role models can be so important.

Speaking of models, Michael Dudikoff also has the uncanny ability to catch darts, swords and arrows and then pull what I like to call a "return to sender" which basically consists of him catching it and then throwing it back at the sender killing the bastard instantly. All of these all come to a heated confrontation at a cafe where Steve James and Michael Dudikoff basically clear out an entire room of thugs (while ripping their marine uniforms in the process.) What is even greater is what I like to call the "bicep spread," in which about 20 people pile on top of Steve James, and a completely un-phased James spreads his biceps and throws them quite a few feet! Also, James perfects the art of human shield fighting, which is when you grab some hapless schmuck and use his face as a shield from devastating blows. He uses his shield at least 30 times.

Also there is a girl, a crazy druglord who wants to create super ninjas to take over the world and a master ninja played by Mike Stone who is related to the main reason why I can't have an erection for at least another two years. (To summarize: His sister made Basic Instinct 2 and took her clothes off. Shudder.)

All of this is pretty much straight forward, and like a Bruce Li movie it's minimal narrative with just an excuse to include martial arts and bad acting.

In other words, American Ninja 2 is the perfect movie to watch drunk, high, hungover, at 4 a.m. or quite possibly when you plan on springing a ninja attack on Holland. (Speaking of which, I have score to settle with that damn Yi-Long, who right now is thanking his lucky stars that I'm American Ninja Man and not the real American Ninja.)

AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S RATING: 6.5/10