Godzilla (1998)

Director: Roland Emmerich, Roland Emmerich

Producer: Kelly Van Horn, Peter Winther, Dean Devlin

Writers: Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich, Ted Elliott

Cast: Ferris Bueller, Leon, Ebert and the brain hemmorhage guy. And Godzilla.

Running Time: 139 min.

Plot: Godzilla in Hollywood's eye.

WOODY'S REVIEW: Whenever I tell people not to see a movie, they go and see it anyways and lament that I should have been more adamant in telling them not to see the movie. No matter what I do, people go to see movies I despise. I'm a very empathetic person. It hurts me to see others in pain. I'm going to try out some conditioning here. I will splice lines from online gay erotica* into this review much in the way Perry Mason was inserted into the original "Godzilla." Depending on your sexual orientation, you will either shiver at the mention of the Godzilla remake afterwards or call up Antoine and tell him to bring over some lubes, anal beads, and lame kaiju eiga updates.

Just what we've all been waiting for. "Ferris Bueller vs. Godzilla." Basically, the plot is as follows: "Remy loosened his grip on my rod just long enough to receive my load right in his lap." I don't know about you, but I just don't have a lot of respect for Matt Broderick. I mean, look at Sarah Jessica Parker. If it weren't for her, "Sex in the City" would be great masturbatory aide. "Fuck me, motherfucker, fuck me. Ohhhhh, shit, I'm gonna fuckin' shit!"

Leon is in this movie as well. Don't get me wrong, I love Leon. It takes a lot of control to shack up with Natalie Portman and not do the horizontal tango. "It was tender to the point of being painful, so I pulled out of his ass and came onto the sheets." If only Gary Oldman was in this movie. He would have made a much better Godzilla than the sorry ass CGI abomination in this flick. "Milk it, bitch, milk it! Oh shit yeah!" Not only does it constantly change size, but it ain't Godzilla! Sure, the real Godzilla looks sorta like an atomic turd, but that's part of what made him so imposing. I ain't gonna fuck with a radioactive, fire-breathing piece of shit. "It stood erect, immeasurably long, it's head purple and throbbing."

The mayors are named Ebert and..what was the guy before Roeper? Whatever. I know for a fact, though, it got 2 thumbs down.

"First, I want you to stroke it. The I want you to lick it. Then I want you to open wide and close your eyes."

In conclusion, don't see this film unless "you want me don't you? You are a sodomite. You are a FAG! But I want you, too. Is it so wrong what I am doing?" "No. No it is not. Go with your heart, Richard." Richard grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes. "I love you, Bobby." He pulled my hand to his chest, and-"

I know, I know. Ewww. But I had to get it across to you guys. Don't see this movie. I'm taking a shower.

*This review contained elements of the following stories by Kerry Durango:

"C.U.M for the G.O.P", "Richard and Bobby", and "Cumming Out of the Closet".

I should also note that this review is co-written by my sister, who took time out of her busy schedule to look up a bunch of gay erotica and select quotes for me. You think I'd actually read something called "Cumming Out of the Closet"?

WOODY'S RATING: 2/10