"So damn it, if it didn't star Brandon Le or Brandon Li, who did it star?"
American Ninja Man
Hans Kuhle Sr.
David A. Frank, Phillip Gutteridge
Brandon Lee, Ernest Borgnine, Graham Clarke, Pierre Knoessen, Maureen Lahoud,
Debi A. Monahan, Werner Pochath
Time: 83 min.
Lee plays an international spy sent to rescue the world's leading "laser"
scientist who has been kidnapped by terrorists. With the help of his beautiful
sidekick, they must find the scientist before they use his knowledge to
make deadly laser weaponry and ignite World War III.
AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S REVIEW: Laser Mission opens like any great movie does. With a diamond getting stolen by thugs who gas all the people at the party (killing everyone) and then firing a shotgun for no reason. It was here I started wondering if this movie really starred Brandon Li (Who is the illegit child of Bruce Li) Brandon Li by the way, was the star in The Crow TV series, Redemption Kickboxer 5, Only The Strong and Double Dragon. But then the intriguing explanation that it was perhaps Brandon Le who was in such greats such as Bloodfist, Future Kick, RIng Of Fire, Bloodfist 2-8 and Virtual Combat. Well whatever the case was, I dread to think it was the real Brandon Lee who was in The Crow, Legacy Of Rage and Rapid Fire. However as I gazed at the screen and took in the sites, the site promoted Brandon Lee and for 1 dollar I could share in the adventure of missions made from lasers. I dipped into my beer money and bought it. (My girlfriend had left half a bottle of southern comfort at my house, leaving me more leniant to buy dollar priced discs) Problem is after I saw the credits, I needed more than half the bottle of Southern Comfort to make it through this mess. Even more to solve the mystery that was unleashed in the 80 minutes of this movie.
Anyway we meet Brandon Lee accompanied to the song "Mercenary Man, Mercenary Man, Meeercenarrry Maaaaan!" But then I got confused because Brandon Lee's face was on the cover but it was his Rapid Fire pose, much like the same way Bruce Lee's Fist Of Fury pose was placed on numerous Bruce Li and Bruce Le flicks. After my 5th shot of S.C, I got my detective book and started taking notes and here is what I gathered. The guy in this movie looks similar to Brandon Lee but his demeanor is much different from The Crow. Oh Ryan, perhaps he got better as he went along, but he was good in Legacy Of Rage which predates this by four years. So in other words it starred either Brandon Le or Brandon Li. But which one was it? Well we checked the evidence.
Exibit A Brandon Li- A lively yet completely unconvincing actor, who comes off far too nice and although he has martial arts skill, rarely shows it off. Even in his live work anime film Crying Freeman, Brandon Li got naked and shot people rather than kick people in the head. Here is the same thing, as the main character in this opted to use his pistol and because of this one has strong evidence that this could indeed be Brandon Li. However Brandon Li does have more charisma then what would be indicated here and Brandon Li even has cooking skills as he is now on American Iron Chef. The Brandon in question doesn't cook. Also the Brandon here beds the blonde babe in this film, something Brandon Li never does in his movies. So the evidence is somewhat incriminating but lacking. I mean he is surely capable of starring in such but he was in Drive and even Brotherhood Of The Wolf, so his acting would be too good for the Brandon in question here. Does it star Brandon Li? The jury has decided and the verdict is NOT GUILTY.
Exibit B-Brandon Le-An actor who is devoid of anything called charisma and talent and is clearly categorized as an actor not knowing when to quit. Some would've argued that Brandon Le was doing watchable work in Bloodfist IV but after Bloodfist VI, it became apparent the guy should've stopped making Bloodfist sequels, especially since they didn't have the same character in each movie and he managed to not act so much as raise his bushy eyebrows and high pitched voice in every Bloodfist installment (Okay he was okay in Bloodfist III but let's not argue over moot points) Brandon Le is an accomplished martial artist but for some reason he tries to act and he frequently works with Roger Corman and this tragedy aside makes him suspect number 1. However checking Laser Mission's production credit, this wasn't made by Roger Corman. In fact it wasn't even produced at all, since even Corman DVDs have the dignity to sell for 4 dollars. Also the sex scene didn't show us the blonde's cleavage, and we all know that Brandon Le's movies always include a money shot. I mean my theory on why I liked Brandon Le's movies were because the heroines were chosen for their breast size, infact wongcheungleung even brought up "Nipples that looked like CDs" so with no CD shaped nipples in Laser Mission it seemed as if I had hit a dead end. The verdict was in and yes Brandon Le was innocent. But damn it who was responsible for this crime? What an evil thing to do?
Your production values, your embarrassing action sequences, your awful acting, the horrible directing, justice must be served and nobody should get away for such low quality. Show yourself you evil bastard.
So damn it, if it didn't star Brandon Le or Brandon Li, who did it star? Well Neil Koch gave me an anonymous tip, as he stated Brandon Lee was overrated and that he was indeed capaple of such work. But damn it, how can this be? Brandon Lee is that you? How can it be? How can it be? HOW CAN IT BE ???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Brandon Lee made Laser Mission. It would be like if Bruce Lee made a movie where he only appeared at the last twenty minutes and then was imitated by a cardboard box stand in, as well as his funeral footage. We all know that the conspiracy behind that was Robert Clouse, but then I looked at the cover of Laser Mission and realized in horror that Laser Mission was directed by B.J Davis. Which believe it or not was the same name Robert Clouse hid under, after he unleashed Gymkata. So it's Robert Clouse behind the horror of this movie. Then a light switched on and a guy said "So you know you're heading straight for the freezer!" of course I told him I loved Game Of Death, and because Clouse didn't want to kill off the only person in the world who liked it. He spared my pathetic life.
As it turns out Clouse isn't dead, and it wasn't Brandon Lee in this movie, it was a cardboard stand out of Brandon Lee who acted in this movie and performed the action sequences. It all made sense but my efforts were in vain after all the CIA said if I let the cat out of the bag, I was letting the terrorists win and that I would be marked for death. I just want to tell everyone if I disappear mysteriously, it's been fun and Neil, you can inherit my beer tab debts. Because after all what are friends for?
AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S RATING: 3/10
REVIEW: Bad directing that looks like it was shot with a camcorder. "OK" action scenes and a good performance by Brandon are the
only assets for Laser Mission. The acting is mediocre, but maybe even lower
with it's no-name cast with the exception of Lee and Borgnine. Wouldn't
be disappointing if it wasn't so filled with desert action scenes that
make your eyes sore. Overall, pretty fast-paced and better than Showdown
In Little Tokyo and Rapid Fire. Laser Mission is not bad, it's just low
MAN'S REVIEW: A "low-budget" isn't exactly a bad thing. It's
only a bad thing when the movie-makers suck. The writers rip-off just about
every James Bond movie I can think of. You also got the jumpy camera angles
and cuts that just don't match up. Be prepared to get sick of the "Laser
Mission" theme song that won't stop playing.
Brandon Lee does makes the
best of it as a suave, James Bond-type guy that likes giving eye-contact
to the camera. Co-star Debi A. Monahan is a great sight (not bad for someone
that has no chin), special thanks to the way she sits on that rock. Also
starring Ernest Borgnine - what the hell is he doing in this movie anyway!?
Not a martial-arts movie, but there are still a few moves here and there
to remind us that Brandon is what's his face's son...
The script was supposedly written for Roger Moore (Grandpa Bond).
MAN'S RATING: 5/10