Submerged (2005)

Director: Anthony Hickox

Writer: Anthony Hickox, Paul de Souza

Cast: Steven Seagal, Vinnie Jones, Gary Daniels

Running Time: 96 min.

Plot: Chris Kody (Seagal) is a mercenary, and has just been freed from prison. However, now that he is out, he must use his weapons to defeat terrorists who have just taken control of a nuclear submarine.

AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S REVIEW: Steven Seagal is back again and frankly, I don't understand why he returned. Time waits for no man and a prime example of this is Steven Seagal and his hopeless attempt headline awful straight to video movies. STV movies that pale in comparison to not only Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Wesley Snipes's movies but even to the lower end where guys like Gary Daniels, Olivier Gruner and Don 'The Dragon' Wilson - these guys are upstaging the fat karate master who used to headline some fun flicks.

In fact, when I witnessed Submerged, it made me appreciate the efforts of a assembly line product that Jackie Chan settled into with his American audiences made up of family friendly PG-13 actioners that were heavy on lame comedy. I also noticed that death only makes a legend stronger and the greatest thing against one's legend is themselves and their unfortunate choices. Imagine if Bruce Lee would've followed up Enter The Dragon with something like Fantasy Mission Force, Bruce Lee would've faded into obscurity. In fact, Seagal's movies contain the worst qualities of Bruceploitation but lacks any of the wacky ambition that made them sort of fun. In his last 10 efforts or so, Seagal has relied heavier and heavier on stunt doubles as he's gotten heavier and heavier. Plus he plays the same character in all films. After seeing Seagal play a secret agent for the millionth time it becomes obvious that he wants to be the next James Bond, and I'm willing to cast him as the next Bond just as long as I don't have to suffer through schlock as painful as Submerged.

The original movie was supposed to be about Seagal fighting drugged up zombies on a submarine but of course this was too ambitious so the schmucks behind this turned it into a cliche borefest about Seagal facing some conspiracy involving mind control and of course there is the bosses who want to kill Seagal because he knows too much and then there is...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

This particular Seagal movie has him going up against Gary Daniels (Or as I like to call the Dolph Lundgren wannabe, anyone want to doubt me, look at how his movies Fatal Blade ape Showdown In Little Tokyo, or how Recoil is literally line for line The Punisher and how Rage was derivative of Universal Soldier... I could go on.)

Anyway Gary Daniels is supposedly a good fighter and this I believe, although with him fighting Seagal's obvious stunt double, it was hard to tell. I love how Gary Daniels fans are saying that his martial arts ability easily showed up Dolph Lundgren and Steven Seagal in his new movies but honestly I'm not seeing any of what would be considered showing up because the action is badly staged and Daniels' awful acting makes Seagal seem postively Marlon Brandoish (let's not even get into what he makes Lundgren look like, because, quite frankly, it's Shakespearan level thesping) Daniels is quite possibly one of the worst actors in the B-movie arena. Plus despite a few fun movies, he made Black Friday which is easily one of the worst movies ever made. Seriously. So watching Seagal and Daniels play their roles is as wooden as acting gets.

Anyway, we see Seagal in an opera house, a lab where this mind control device is made, Seagal on a submarine and of course Seagal's stunt double fighting the actors in the way of his paycheck. It's all very dull stuff with very little entertainment value. Indeed there aren't even really any laughs because the movie is too dull and done with so little amount of effort that you wonder why they even bothered. Anthony Hickox, director behind this gave us the fun Waxwork and Hellraiser III, the lame Storm Catcher, the middling Jill The Ripper and the awful Warlock: The Armageddon. Hickcox though can always be seen as a director with an eye for the surreal, unfortunately though he just can't overcome Seagal and although there are a couple good moments of carnage, basically this is something so bad that even David Bradley would turn it down.

Mind control. Stunt Doubles. Someone doing Seagal's dubbing and action sequences edited with all the skill of an awful MTV video. All the trademarks of a recent Steven Seagal movie, a trademark that is sheer torture to sit through, even for fans of bad martial arts movies.

AMERICAN NINJA MAN'S RATING: 2/10