Full Synopsis
(littered with spoilers!!!)

OPENING CREDITS

Chinatown - New York, during the celebration of the Chinese New Year, Jackie Wong (Unofficial Major of Chinatown/Chief Triad) is fatally stabbed in a restaurant.

During his public funeral - which is been covered by WKXT News Reporter Tracy Tzu (Araine) - a local Italian shopkeeper is shot point blank by a quote on quote "little chink scumbag".

Tracy who's interviewing Chinatown Chief of Police Will McKenna then bumps into Stanley White (Mickey Rourke), who after introducing himself, goes on to inform Will that he's been replaced - by him. They are then both interrupted by their pagers to which they rush off to investigate the shopkeeper's murder.

Stanley White starts looking (for current Triad Boss) Harry Yung (Victor Wong). After busting in on an illegal underground gambling den he traces Harry to his bank (HSBC one assumes!). Stan then catches them all in a meeting (which saves him some lung power). He informs Harry, and the Triad elders, that he's "The new marshal in town" and lays down the new rules to the Triad elders who are non too impressed. Least of all `Yung blood' Joey Tai (John Lone).

Stan then gets a bollocking by his boss Lou (Raymond Barry) for barging into Harry Yung's bank, and is told to leave off the old guys and concentrate on the youth gangs. Stan pretty much pisses on his boss's cornflakes and inform him "These Triads are the new Mafia!" Lou still unimpressed, mocks Stan telling him he's not in Vietnam anymore! And add that; no one likes him - they think he's a great cop - but no one likes him (foreshadowing our very own Mister Gil).

Stan heads home and has a domestic with his frustrated wife Connie (Caroline Kava). He's been neglecting her and she's pissed! We then discover they've been unsuccessfully trying for a child. Stan apologises and promises to make it up to her.

So what does he do?! Well he goes on a date to a Harry Yung's fancy restaurant with News Reporter Tracy of course! The initial purpose of this date is to ask Tracy to use her control of the media to do an exposé on Chinatown, thus helping Stan with his war on Chinatown. However this changes when Tracy starts to get `a wide on' for Stan when he turns on his arrogant charm (during which we discover he's "The most highly decorated cop in New York"). Meanwhile a couple of young punks are been watched from outside by the "little chink scumbag" from earlier. They enter the restaurant. Around this time Stan's date starts to nose dive, following one too many racist remarks and the fact Tracy balked at his plans. Luckily for Stan - before he really crash and burns - the "little chink scumbag" sends two of his ski-masked "midget hit men" to Uzi the shit out of the young punks. They run in, break Harry Yung's jaw and shoot the shit out of their respective targets. Lots of tourists / fish tanks / lampshades / tables get caught up in the melee. Heroically Stan manages to shield Tracy and return fire (thus saving his date from being a complete fiasco). During the carnage one of the "midget hit men" shoots himself in the foot. NO I mean literally! But he and his accomplice still manages to limp to the getaway car. Stan then comforts Tracy as corpses get shipped to the morgue.

The following day the Triad elders are discussing who is behind the restaurant shooting. During which Joey Tai (son-in-law to the deceased Jackie Wong) comes to the fore and tell the elders to get with the programme, else they're gonna get fucked in every orifice; by the Nam Soong Triads, the Mafia, the Vietnamese, not to mention Stan the Man! Harry Yung agrees and puts Joey Tai in the driving seat. Who then proposes a trip to Bangkok and arranges a meeting with the Mafia.

Meanwhile Stan, and his boss, get a bollocking from the commissioner - who in turn got his ass (not bollocked but) "chewed out" by no less than the Mayor! Still Stan doesn't give a shit and demands another Chinese undercover cop (as his others are no longer undercover). The commissioner gives the go ahead.

Stan then pays a trip to the shooting range to scope out the Chinese guy he wants. He gets there just in time to watch him - Herbert (Dennis Dunn) - miss his targets spectacularly!

We then follow Joey Tai and his token-black-guy bodyguard who pay a visit to "little chink scumbags" den. Where we discover not only has he and his gang been carrying out the killings for Joey Tai all along, but more shockingly, they're listening to Rod Stewart on their ghetto blaster! Quickly one of the gang dives to turn it off!

Joey Tai then inspects the two wounded (sans ski-mask) "midget hit men" who are looking worse for wear. He then gets Ronnie Chang (FKA "little chink scumbag") to whack the walking wounded. This he does, indirectly (having firstly turned Rod Stewart back on - Joey Tai had left you see!).

Later that night Stan is giving Herbert the low down on his new role. Which involves no sleep, no second job, driving in the right lane and getting eaten for breakfast! The radio informs them; the two "midget hit men" have been found in a cellar.

After dumping Herbert out of the car Stan heads to the cellar, which is packed with illegal immigrants. Here he meets with cop Alan Perez who in turn introduces Stan to token-non-shady-Chinese-nice-guy Tony Ho. Tony then takes Stan into a swampy mess of a basement where he discover the dead "midget hit men" lying in some sort of swimming pool sized Pot Noodle. Chink an' Mushroom flavour?!

Meanwhile Joey Tai is in his restaurant playing `The Godfather' i.e. discussing plans to put one of `his people' through college. It's at this restaurant that we see Stan's wife Connie who looks like she's been stood up. This isn't the case though, Stan turns up (albeit late) to get a camera stuck in his face by Tracy who's doing a broadcast outside the restaurant. Stan apologises to Connie and then talks man-o-man with Joey Tai. Joey tries to bribe Stanley "the stupid Polack" White with a $100,000 job after he retires but Stan lays it down straight "I'm not Italian... I'm a Polack... and I can't be bought!". Joey responds by telling him he's not gonna last with that attitude. Stan believes otherwise and promises to last long enough to piss on his grave!

Sadly Connie doesn't even last 20 minutes waiting for him in the restaurant! She's rushed home to dump all of Stan's worldly possessions on to the porch. Stan arrives nonplussed but wastes no time in collecting his stuff and picking up were he's left of with Tracy.

After implementing his gook-hooker-pick-up-skills (learnt in Saigon) he collects Tracy from her job and promises her a legitimate story. No sooner has Tracy let him into her flat (a beautiful loft apartment overlooking the bay) Stan use his willy (sic) charms to bed her. i.e. doesn't take no for an answer; insults her; is a complete and utter (loveably) bastard. After all it not like he's got a home to go to now is it!

Next morning - during cop role call - Stan gives an impassioned speech (the kind Pacino makes a living from doing these days) to the grunts. This kicks off a huge crackdown in Chinatown, practically everyone with yellow skin gets arrested and Joey Tai's restaurant gets shutdown and even a couple of gwailos suffering from jaundice get locked up!

The Triad Elders then have a meeting with Mafia boss Teddy Tedesco (Paul Scaglione). Teddy sans voice box - sounding like a wop Stephen Hawking - then threatens the "yellow niggers" who are try to change the deal he had with Jackie Wong. After trying to be as nice as possible the elders then introduce him to Joey. Joey walks in (sans nigger bodyguard - as per request!) as we discover that Herbert is recording the whole meeting from across the street. Joey sits down and pretty much tells Teddy he can like it or lump it! Teddy ups and leaves in disgust.

Herbert (still recording) then follows Joey as he drives whilst on the phone (tut tut). We hear that Joey's trying to arrange a meeting in Bangkok with Ban Sung. Meanwhile his phone call is been relayed to two nuns (ex-missionaries in China) who are trying to translate the dialect been used. Stan and his lackey - Rizzo (Leonard Termo) - arrive just in time to catch the news that Joey is flying to Bangkok, and to swear in front of nuns!* \o/

*See The Blues Brothers for more great swearing in front of nuns action!

Later that night Stan, Lou and the commissioner are doing one of those late night ties off / feet on table / cigarettes and alcohol type meetings that only happen in the movies. During which they gang up on Stan who's convinced this is Vietnam Redux. Lou (who we discover is an old friend of Stan & Connie's) starts giving him shit about his "chink girlfriend". Stan responds like only a man can do with a huge haymaker punch, that knocks Lou halfway across the room. Stan and Lou then make up.

Stan then goes calling on Tracy who's in the shower and non too impressed to see Stan at the door with his "Chinese books" ready to move in! Following some dialogue about Tracy's (imaginary?) boyfriend, and Stan reminiscing about fighting the Chinese in Vietnam. (Yep the Chinese! He can't tell the difference you see.) Still this isn't a problem for Stan (played by Mickey "cooler than gawd" Rourke). Indeed. Tracy's heart practically melts when Stan (on been asked to leave) tells her "I don't know anybody else... isn't that a real laugh... I don't know anybody. I feel like an asshole." Tracy presumably then offers hers.

Bangkok - Thailand, Joey Tai and his bodyguard are waiting to meet White Powder Ma (Member of the Nam Soong) who we discover is a rival dealer for Ban Sung's Heroin. After Ma arrives they discuss the death of Jackie Wong and some such shit about crows flying up cows arses! Joey then arranges a `last supper' with him.

With Joey Tai out of the country Stan gets time to sort out his life. He visits his wife to patch things up but before he even has two sips of his `cool refreshing Budweiser - the King of Beers', Ronny Cheung and Rod Steward Fan do a home invasion! Connie gets fatally garrotted in the attack but Stan manages to through off Ronnie, pull out his police issue .38 Revolver and cap two shots off into the Rod Stewart Fan, killing him instantly. Ronnie makes a run for it and Stan gives chase, stopping briefly to get his Desert Eagle Magnum (The most powerful handgun in the world NOW IN semi-automatic flavour) out of the hallway cupboard. Wise choice as it turns out, because no sooner does he leave the house, Ronnie turns and sprays at him with a Uzi 9mm! Luckily Ronnie's a worse shot than Herbert, so he jumps in his car, just as Lou comes running (from his home up the road) toting a pump action shotty wearing slippers and dressing down (Classic!). Then before Rizzo turns up with a RPG launcher presumably, Stan lets off a shot from his Desert-E (as the kidz in da hood might call them) that hits Ronnie Chang so hard; it not only splits his head like a melon, but also causes his whole car to explode upon impacting a wall! Stan, still not satisfied, drags the burning corpse from the car yelling "He's evidence!" Lou looks at him in disbelief.

Meanwhile deep in the jungles of Thailand, Joey Tai and bodyguard are met by Ban Sung's men who take them by horse back to his lair. It's here amongst thousands of Kalashnikov ("Best rifle ever made!") toting militia we met Drug Lord Ban Sung who's pleased to see his cousin Joey. Joey then asks about the health of their old friend General Sao Mun Khawn who we discover looks more like a Rick Baker special effect than an actor. Heroin abuse is bad mmmkay!

During lunch things turn a bit sour when Joey tries to buy the heroin in a purer form. Ban Sung's not budging. He wants to refine it himself and sell it at the same price as always. He threatens to kill Sao Mun Khawn as a show of strength. Joey proves that the dollar is mightier than the gun and buys Sao Mun Khawn's life. It's then that Joey gives Ban Sung his final offer. Ban Sung balks at this price and tell Joey his offer is insignificant to the price he gets from White Powder Ma's Nam Soong. Joey tells him the Nam Soong will be extinct in two years. Ban Sung doesn't believe him, that is until Joey reached under the table and plops White Powder Ma's disembodied head on the table!

Back in New York, Connie's funeral is taking place under the spotlight of the media. During the service the token-non-shady-Chinese-nice-guy Tony Ho turns up to pay his respects.

Following the burial, Lou lets it be known that Stan's pushing things to hard with his "one man crusade against the world". He tells him to stop using Vietnam as an excuse for everything he's doing, and they had an arrangement with the Chinese that used to work! Stan ups and leaves telling him "it's that arrangement that killed Connie". Stan then goes home to mourn.

At the Airport, Tracy confronts Joey Tai with the facts of what he's been doing in Bangkok. Joey's knocked off balance but still stays cool as ice to deflect her questions. Tracy then arrives home to discover Stan, Rizzo and Joey have turned her beautiful loft into a cess pit of police work and pizza boxes. She's nonplussed to say the least, and storms off to her room after telling everyone to get the fuck out! Stan knows the heroin is on its way from Bangkok and asks Herbert to go undercover into Joey Tai's restaurant - to wiretap his office. Herbert tells him no way, and after a torrent of racial abuse from Stan, Herbert gives him a Chinese history lesson and storms out too. Stan tells Rizzo that Herbert will be back "because he loves me!" :)

Sometime later we see Herbert working in Joey Tai restaurant (he does love him after all!) and he's clearly managed to bug his office, as we dicover Stan and the nuns are receiving the meeting - that Joey's having with the Triad elders - loud and clear.

The gist of the meeting is that the elders are non too impressed with Joey's recent tactics; in particular the bodged attempt on Stan's life. Joey tells them everything will be fine once the next shipment of heroin arrives next week. However before he gets a chance to divulge any more details, he gets interrupted by cop Alan Perez who informs Joey his office is tapped! Luckily Herbert over hears the conversation and discovers the name of the ship. Sadly before he tells Stan the good news one of the few "midget hit men" left, shoots him in the face several times. Stan gets to Herbert just in time for him to divulge the details before he dies in his arms. :(

Later that night, Stan fucking loses his cool and tackles Joey head on in a nightclub, after dragging him off to the toilet he proceeds to beat him to death. No sooner has he finished breaking his face, he gets shot in the neck by some "midget hit women" he returns fire and after a long chase through a boxing gym he kills her on the street.

We then follow Tracy as she makes her way home, clearly something's not right, as we discover we aren't the only ones following her. She gets attacked and raped at knifepoint by "Three boys. Three Chinese boys".

The following morning Joey is looking and feeling very sorry from himself as the Triad elders discuss his future. He promise them, no matter what, they won't lose any more face and he'll collect the heroin from the pier himself.

Stan (neck all bandaged up) then pays a visit to the pier in order to get some help searching the ship. The guy down there tells him he can't go searching through such a big ship on his say so. Stan tells him a fellow cop died to get this information. The guy tells him "Get a live informant!"

Stan heads to WKXT News to tell Tracy to be at Pier 11 tonight "to watch the rice boil over". Tracy tells him she can't because the Network has told her to lay off the story. Stan goes off on one and after taking an onslaught of verbal abuse Tracy confides to Stan that she was raped the previous night. Stan goes berserk and promise "to kill that fucking Joey!"

Lou and a uniformed cop then turn up at Stan's home to tell him he's off the case, and as of next week he's getting transferred. Lou tells Stan he cares too much. "How can anyone care too much?!" Stan rightly points out.

Nighttime at the pier, Joey and his bodyguard are collecting the heroin just as Stan turns up. He rams his car into theirs and drags Joey and his bodyguard out at gunpoint. Alan Perez drives by yelling abuse, at which, Stan shoot off one of his magic Desert-E bullets which kills Alan and makes his car flip over (but not blow up this time). During this spectacle Joey pulls out his gun and shoots at Stan. He's a better shot than Herbert and Ronnie as he does manage to hit Stan - but the bullet goes right through his hand and straight into his bodyguard's face. D'oh! Joey then jumps into his car and reverses up the docks as Stan picks up his gun with his left hand and rains bullets at Joey's car. Joey gets away by driving across a railway bridge but he's soon brought to a halt (cue: quick reverse), by a huge freight train that's heading straight at him. The train crashes into the car just after Joey jumps clear. Stan gets there just in time to see Joey running for his life over the mist shrouded rail tracks. Stan yells at Joey who stops to face him off - in a bizarre game of joust with guns! Stan gets the vital shots off and Joey slumps to the ground bleeding profusely. As police sirens can be heard in the distance Joey asks for Stan's gun in order to kill himself, Stan does so only after Joey tells him where the heroin is. Joey then makes a canoe out of his head as the cavalry of cops arrive.

Chinatown - New York, Joey Tai's funeral is taking place as Tracy covers it for the news. She sums up the recent goings on including the removal of Stanley White as Chief of Police. Stan then turns up (arm in sling) to have one last go at arresting the Triads (read: starts a fight to vent his frustration). Following the ruckus he's helped to his feet by Lou. He then rides off (although he doesn't have a horse) into the sunset (although there isn't one) with Tracy.

 

CLOSING CREDITS